Feeling the pain and sadness

A cyber friend's dad passed away and his poignant blog entry tugged at my heartstrings.

It is a common thread among my generation (& those before me, I guess) that we rarely, if indeed ever, expressed our love verbally to our parents. Perhaps it is the way we were brought up.

Although I had no problem hugging my dad whenever I wanted to let him know I loved him, or held his hands to comfort him, or rest my head on his shoulders whenever I wanted to feel "manja", I somehow never said the word "I love you" to him.

I felt it would embarrass him, and knowing him so well, it really would. He gave me the impression that there's no need for such mushiness. Actions always speak louder than words.

And how true.

I never doubted my dad's immense love and affection for me. And I knew deep in my heart that he knew I loved him just as fiercely. And the rest of the family knew that much too. Which was why they were so worried for me when dad passed away unexpectedly one Monday morning.

I have learned to accept that we will never be satisfied with the amount of time God allowed us to spend with our loved ones. It is always never enough. There will always be many words left unsaid and many feelings left unexpressed. That is life.

I did what I had to do in the end. I kissed my dad the first and last time while his body was still warm and I whispered into his ear that I loved him. And somehow, I felt that he understood.

That was many years ago. But the memory is as fresh as yesterday.

Love can be painful when we refuse to let go. But sometimes, we want the pain to go on because we have unresolved regrets. Sometimes, maybe it's just plain refusal to grow up.

Well, that's just me speaking for myself.

I hope my friend finds a better way to deal with his pain and sadness. I wish him well.